In His Presence

It's been a few days since I last posted and I feel like there is so much to say.  I guess starting with my very first counseling session is a good place to start.  I was super nervous going into it.  I could few the butterflies tumbling around in my stomach.  I knew I was going to have to spill my guts out to a stranger.  It's funny though, once I sat down with my counselor I felt completely at ease.  She has a kind and gentle way about her that made me feel comfortable immediately.  I was excited too, because she's a curly girl like me.  (i think there's a special bond in that)  In true Heather fashion, I talked fast and shared a lot (maybe too much).  I'm looking forward to the transformation that I'm hoping is going to come from these meetings.  I felt God's presence as well and His guidance as my counselor prayed for me at the end of our time together.

I think another reason I haven't been blogging as much is due to my renewed love of crocheting.  I feel so at peace even when I'm learning something new.  It brings me a sense of calm and accomplishment to have an activity to do with my hands.  I love that in a matter of hours I have a project (usually a hat) that is beautiful and makes me proud.  I sold my first hat today.  It was only for a few dollars but I felt good that I could bring a little piece of joy to another person with something I made with my own two hands.  It's the same way I feel after I've baked or cooked food that people enjoy.  I totally get why my friend Angie's love language is making food.  It's euphoric to give the gift of happiness to another person. 

This week at work I've had three half days, two of which were spent in training for handling students with care.  It was helpful for me to practice being the solid rock for a student that is in crisis.  It was also a reminder to me that God is my solid rock, my firm foundation.  I kept singing in my head, "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand,"  and "Jesus, You're my firm foundation, I know I can stand secure..."  It's so nice to randomly have songs of praise pop into my head.  I've notice that in times when I start to get worked up at school I'm remembering to shoot up a prayer to God and it bring me calm.  I'm so grateful to have a God that loves me and wants to be involved in my day to day, not just some god that sits far away and watches his children like little ants running around an ant farm. 

Here's a verse that has been part of our small group study that has really stuck with me this past week...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  -2 Corinthians 12:9

Day 9

Its funny that after a few good days how my focus changes. I'm so grateful that God has brought me so far, but I've forgotten to praise and thank Him all that He's done. So let me take this time to do so publicly.

Dear Gracious and Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for your Son and thank you for the cross. Thank you Lord for the gift of salvation and Your never-ending love.
I'm sorry God for neglecting to place my focus on You. Father forgive me for trying to do things on my own. It's so easy to lose sight when I feel good. But I know all that is good and perfect comes from You. Thank you Lord that Your mercies are new everyday.
Lift me up when I fall and forgive me when I fail. Lord be the light that shines on my path. And may Your light shine through me. I love you Lord.
I pray all this in the Precious and Holy Name of Jesus, Amen.

Day 8

Today was one of the few work days I felt went really well. I felt confident in my work and proud of my student. It's like I could feel God's hand guiding and comforting me.

I'm so grateful for the small group I'm a part of. I feel I can share openly and know that people will be praying for me. God has continued to reveal Himself to me in new and fresh ways.

Today is my brother's 26th birthday. I pray that he does well on his test tomorrow. I pray God will bless him this year.

Day 7

Today was a beautiful day.  I went with my fourth graders on a field trip to Longwood Gardens.  The leaves on the trees were vibrant oranges, reds, rusts, and yelllows.  The autumn flowers were in bloom.  You could see God's paintbrush had touched every inch of the land.  We walked through the meadow and it was God's symphony playing for us to  hear.  The wind was blowing lightly and the birds were singing.  In another area you could hear children laughing.  It's one of the most beautiful sound in the world.  Today was such a joy to behold. 

Once I got home I sat with yarn and a crochet hook and made a small cap.  It makes me think of how God tells us how we were knit together in our mother's womb.  God knew us then.  He knew the plan before we were born.  I sat with some string and a hook and right in my hands I formed a little cap.  I was so excited to see what I had made.  I can't imagine how excited God is when He creates each and everyone of us,each different and unique.  He wants to show us off for all the world to see.  I hope I can begin seeing myself through God's eyes and appreciate the woman He has made me to be.

Day 6

I made my first counseling appointment.  I'm going in a week.  I'm really hoping to get to the bottom of some of my issues.  It's a laundry list, but I think talking it out with a trained professional will do a world of good.  I choose a Christian counselor because I feel like having a shared faith is a great foundation to proceeding into my future wellness.

The last few days have been so much better.  I had no idea that asking for prayer and taking time to pray would make such a difference, but I should have known.  The Bible says in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."  The strength God has provided me with is beyond what I thought.  I've been reading my Bible and praying and God has provided.  Sunday morning I stood in church and for the first time in a long time I truly felt what I was singing.  I wasn't just going through the motions of faith.  I felt in communion with Father.  It was glorious.  It was a release.  I didn't feel the need to hold back my praise. 

My problems are so minuscule compared to many people, but in my world they feel huge.  They can feel overwhelming.  I need to continue to admit that I need God's help and I can't do this on my own.  I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN! 

I feel like I'm rambling.  I'm done for now.

Day 5

Wednesday I started small group, it's all women.  The title of the series is "Walk tHis Way".  So far we looked at the journey of Abraham, at the time he was Abram.  Most of what we've discussed as a group is what it's like to be on the Christian walk.  I can already feel that God is going to do a mighty work in me.  I've felt for sometime that God wants to move me from where I am.  I haven't been ready to move.  I feel a bit like a little kid digging in their heels with stubbornness.  I feel like the toddler that flops down on the floor in a tantrum and refuses to move.  That toddler has been me for the past few years.  I guess I figured if I dig in deep enough God will leave me alone and just let me stay where I am.  But my soul feels restless.  I yearn for more.  I feel like I have a hole in soul that only God can fill.  I know it all seems so cliche.  I just know there is more for me.  I'm scared though I'm scared to take the first step of faith.  It's like standing on the edge and taking the step and not knowing who or what is going to catch you from the fall.  I'm not ready to fall.  The Bible tells me that God will not give me more than I can handle.  I'm scared of what I can and can't handle.  I'm so scared that it has petrified me in place.  The fear of failure has paralyzed me right where I stand.  The good thing is I'm opening up.  I'm slow pulling my heels out of the dirt and ready to stand upright and take God's hand to lead me through what life has for me. 

“God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus. ” ― Max Lucado

Day 4

As a single girl I thought I'd find some hope in dating online.  Well I did once.  I dated a  nice guy that just wasn't the right one.  I'm thankful for him, because I got to be in my first "healthy" relationship and break up.  I have no ill will towards this guy.  So after that ended I decided, well I was successful once, why can't I be successful again.  For the past several months I've been online hoping to find my prince charming.  All I found were frogs... lots and lots of frogs. 

The frogs that I found seemed to lack interest in me or I in them.  I came to realize how much this was hurting my self confidence and self worth.  I know it all goes back to feeling poorly about myself.  However I really think my misplacing hope in men has been seriously detrimental.  Being rejected by strangers over and over again was getting me down.  It seemed innocent enough but for me online dating became a huge stumbling block.  The negative thoughts about myself crept in and began to take over my thinking.  It was like grade school all over again hoping not to get picked last.  Not only was I not getting picked last, I wasn't getting picked at all. 

I found myself mulling over feelings of what's wrong with me, am I not pretty enough, am I really that fat to be unattractive, or am I just too boring to bother with.  The feelings were so overwhelming.  So I went and deleted my online dating accounts.  It's been such a wonderful move for me.  It  has changed my focus.  I hoping that I can continue to find my value through God's eyes and not the eyes of a man.

Day 3

I'm sure in God's eyes I'm important.  He did create me after all and God doesn't make mistakes.  I just don't feel valuable.  I know God has a plan and a purposed for me, the Bible tells me so in Jeremiah 29:11.  I believe one of my main issues is the feeling of inadequacy and that I feel like I'm falling short on a consistent basis.  I lose sight of God and faith in His plan for me.  I try to do things my own way and that has yet to work out.  I need to learn to let go and let God.

Day 2

Last Friday night I met with a wonderful group of sisters in Christ.  We sat around a long farm table with a spread of delicious foods.  Then we each took a turn saying our name, where we're from, and how many children we have with their names and ages.  At that point I felt my stomach drop.  I don't have kids, and I don't have a husband to share about.  I felt so inconsequential.  I felt so lacking.  Much of my adult life I've yearned to be a wife and mother.  I sat among these beautiful women of God and felt embarrassed.  EMBARRASSED.  I felt so displaced.  I upheld my title as the token, lone, single, childless girl.  I feel that girl is a pretty accurate description of what I am.  I'm not even successful in my career.  Sure I like my job, but I don't have a college degree.  At least having a piece of paper to prove I've achieved something would be nice.  Yep, I feel like I need to validated by a piece of paper.  Maybe that would give me some source of importance.  But I have none of those things.  I know I'm supposed to be finding my identity in Christ but I'm having such a hard time with that idea.  I've found myself wallowing in self-pity and depression.  Over the next thirty-one days I hope to find and restore the joyful spirit that I felt once defined me.  Please join me on this journey and keep me in prayer.

Day 1